Erica Hope #9

Dear Bloggers...

Summers Over, like officially...

School is in three days...

i should be excited right? im kinda wishy washy... i was dreading it soo bad then i was okay about it and now i kinda just wanna say fuck it and drop out...

life has been sooooo rough this summer,

my mom told me to move out and live with logan and that would have been perfect if he didnt dump me 2 days before our 11th month anniversary.. and i might have been okay with that if i didnt stay the night with him secretly... because now i.... just miss being in his arms.. i miss him kissing me on the forehead everytime he woke up in the middle of the night... i dont understand how you can say things like i never wanna lose you or things like i love you and im never gonna leave you baby because i couldnt imagine waking up without you.... and then leave... i just dont get it... :*( i never even had the chance to cry because ive had to be a happy little fucker for my whole family... i just wanna bawl like a baby and have someone care that im crying... i guess that sounds kinda selfish.. i just cant help it. im sick of being sad and nobody caring.. im sick of being let down and hurt, and mostly im sick of being the only person i really have in life... :(

and when i finally try to talk to my mom like seriously about how i feel, she laughs and says im being dramatic... she doesnt take me seriously... well i think im gonna tell you the break up story... BRACE YOURSELFS>

so i went to the movies to meet him and at first i could tell something was wrong... he wouldnt look at me, he wouldnt kiss me,... he wouldnt even hold my hand... well he got up and went to smoke with his cousin and my brother walks over and hugs me... i just start crying on his shoulder.. and blabbing something about what did i do? or something.. and michael just said its okay erica everything will work out i promise.. so i go to the bathroom to wipe my eyes in case he comes back really soon. and i come in and sit down and john (logans brother) asks if im okay or if i wanna go home. and i said that i was fine and apologized for showing up because i didnt want john to feel left out..

logan come back and i finally get him to act normal.. he holds my hand, even kisses me a few times.. i felt soo happy, on top of the world.. i text him and said is something wrong? and i noticed my named changed in his phone from ErIcA<3 =] to Erica... just plain old erica... he wrote back and said no why? and i said just wondering...

well then the movie ends and we are goofing off outside... just playing around, everything was perfect. amazing. =) i was happy...

but then they had to take me home.. so in the car he held my hands.. (something we always did) and when i got out of the car we kissed and laughed like we always did.... joked around... he told me he loved me and that he had to get

 my brother home.. and i said i love you too... when they pulled out he screamed "i love you erica hope! forever and always..."

i smiled and went to my room.. i ended up going with tiffany and coming home at like 2:30 i txt him and said:: goodnight babe i love you im going to bed..

so his response was the usual:

I love you too. goodnight...

but i woke up at five and had a message from earlier that night... it said:

Erica, i love you... i just cant do this anymore.. i feel like im leading you on. and we both know its not gonna work with me going to a different school... im sorry.

i sat staring at my phone screen for what seemed like 2 minutes but in all reality it had been 20 minutes and thinkin back on it now i dont even remember breathing... the first thought through my head was... end it.. just kill myself and let all this pain subside.. just kill yourself... he doesnt care, so why should you?
but i took a few minutes and went outside to watch the sunrise... i cried for about 5 minutes then sucked it up and told myself i didnt have time to be sad... i had to be happy for my family... so i took off jogging listening to christian music and found an amazing scripture that fit my day just perfectly.... i knew at that moment god was speaking to me... he was using a silly little calender on my grandmothers kitchen table to bring me back to reality... and it worked i had never been so close to god.. but even today im finding that the farther i get from god, the more pain im feeling.. and its really starting to mess with me...

g2g

As Always

Lotsa Love<3

Peace, Love, & Erica